It’s the middle of the night and I’m about to talk about something that most people don’t ever speak of in public. The dark side of the first few weeks of college.

I remember my first few weeks of college feeling alone and confused. Why wasn’t I always happy to be free and running around like it seemed to be on every TV show and in brochures? I remember nights where I just wanted to run away from Lynn, to just go home to what I knew and understood.

I think this is really a big problem for international students. I’m American. I was born here, but I feel so much like a stranger because I spent 15 years overseas representing a country I never really lived in. I felt out of my element and just wanted to run back to what I knew. Not necessarily my house and back to my mother, but back to my comfort zone.

I think that is why Cristina and I are so close now. We met during that period of time where we just wanted to get away from this new crazy world. I felt 20 times better once I knew I was not the only one feeling the way I was feeling.

Some students cry each night. Some cry all day long. Others try and drink their problems away or get high. I used to get so upset that I would just hide in my room and just scheme at how I could get away from Lynn, even if it was for a day.

At one point, I started saving my money so I could buy a plane ticket to anywhere but Florida. All the new stress was overwhelming. Mom wasn’t there to fix anything and I felt like if I wasn’t happy my first few weeks, then I wasn’t ready for college.

I started to hate my mom for making me stay at Lynn. Cristina was always fighting with her family that she wanted to leave. The girls on my floor were always yelling at their parents late at night the first few weeks that they wanted to leave or they couldn’t handle it. Something was always wrong and panic was everywhere a freshmen could be found.

Seeing the upperclassmen was not much of a help. They always seemed to be so happy and set into their routine that it felt impossible to believe that they had once felt what I was feeling.

So what changed? I made friends and started talking about my feelings. I was open with my professors about how I was feeling so that they knew I was having a hard time adjusting to college life. I had made three great friends that helped me get through my first year. I ate lunch and dinner with them. I walked to class with them. I talked to them about everything. We supported each other through all the struggles.

I think about six to eight weeks into college, I started to truly fall in love with Lynn. I started to see the beauty of college. I started to enjoy my classes and having my own space. I had my car by that point so I could get off campus. I started watching movies in Eric’s room, eating lunch with Cristina, and dinner with Rob. We started our own traditions which I miss now. Good news, go to the movies or order dinner. Bad news or a horrible day, ice cream at cold stone. I went on drives with Eric to just get out, went for Wendy’s fast food with Rob when I was depressed, and late night walks with Cristina when neither of us could sleep.

I started my own life. I wasn’t part of someone else’s plan for the first time in my life which I think is why it was so scary. No one was telling me what I should be doing, it was all up to me. I was discovering a lot about myself. Things like, I think dorm rooms feel so sterile like a hospital because there are no plants or pets. I’ve always had cats around me so not having my two little angels was strange. I had to call my mom to tell her about my day, not when she got home from work. I got to pick my future. I was discovering me, and let me tell you, it is scary getting to know yourself.

It’s ok to be scared. Terrified is more like it. Lol. I think I spent so much time looking forward to leaving home and getting away from my mom that I lost sight in the fact that in reality, your parents drop you off and say good bye to you. They leave a teenager and then you are supposed to turn around and suddenly become an adult. Frankly, we are all still little kids running around trying to learn how to be an adult. Why do you think I’m always saying that being an adult is hard?

So what’s my advice? Blast some music and dance in your dorm room. If your RA comes knocking, tell her that you are stressed and trying to learn how to be an adult. Find comfort food. Make friends that you can talk to about what you are going through because they are feeling it too. Play hookie every once in a while. Call home and tell your parents that college isn’t what you thought it was going to be, that it isn’t all fun and games. Tell mom about the hard biology professor or dad about how you can’t seem to get anything to make your room feel like home. Kick a soccer ball around. Sing, do whatever you have to to get through those first few weeks. They are rough.

I have so many people to thank for helping me get through those first weeks. I went to Stefano’s office near tears telling him that I wanted to leave and he calmed me down and informed me of all the great things about being at Lynn. He made me stick it out a little longer. Rich the RD who is always more than happy to give advice and lend an ear or two. My poor mother had to deal with who knows how many calls of me demanding to let me come home.

Listen, next year, I don’t have any classes on Friday. I’m going to make that the day that freshmen can come to me and talk about what they are going through. You don’t have to feel alone. I’ve done it and it was hard and scary. Find me around campus, and stop me to talk. We can get coffee at Christine’s or have lunch in the caf. How many times did I wish to have someone to talk those first few weeks! Stop me, stop any of the bloggers, they are totally cool, understanding, and best of all, they’ve been there! It’s ok to be…. It’s ok! Scared, angry, terrified, traumatized, lol.

They say that it only gets harder each year, but I think it can only get better. I am so excited about my second year. I have the best roommates in the world. I’m going to be surrounded by my friends and Michelle is moving into the dorms! I miss Lynn so much right now, you have no idea.

So keep emailing me at manderson5@email.lynn.edu and know that once back at school, I’m always there to help. Come talk to me, or just ask me questions, even if it is to find out what building you are standing in, hehe.