I’ve been depressed the last two days. I don’t really know why since it hasn’t been an especially stressful week. Nothing bad has happened. There is no explanation for it other than that I am depressed. It’s irrational.

But it’s not the sad kind of depressed. It’s the angry kind. The kind where I hate the whole world for no good reason. The kind where I’m mad at people because they don’t care. Of course, I haven’t told them that I’m upset. It’s the kind of depressed where I expect them to know anyway. I guess that’s how it’s irrational.

It’s also the kind where I don’t want anyone to cheer me up. I just want to stay mad forever. That’s probably the worst kind of depression that exists because you just look for reasons to keep the feeling. And you find them everywhere.

I just don’t want to talk to anyone. I want someone to talk to me just so I can tell that person to go away and leave me alone (of course I never would, but I want to). I also want to tell someone just to have the pity they’ll feel. I guess it would be my way of attempting to get someone to make me feel better just so they don’t get the satisfaction of me feeling better (if that makes any sense?). I would stay upset just to be spiteful. Cruel, huh? 

It’s really hard to go to work and have to smile politely at people for 6 hours when you really just want to go home and dwell on your depression, wallow in it even. That stupid, enduring sense of responsibility!

I guess the good thing is that I never stay depressed for very long, no matter what kind of depression it is. I have an adamant way of finding joy in nearly everything.